I kind of feel like I did when I received my first Snoopy diary on my 8th birthday in 1980. ...trying to find the perfect thing to write..except it's 30 yrs later, and my once naturally dark, dark brown hair so desperately needs a dye job that I might be mistaken for one's grandmother...she was attractive, but I'm not 68.
I'm 38...well, in a half, as my 4 yr old will remind me. I was always told I look young, but maybe now I really do look 38.....it can't be true! I'll admit I'm falling for all of the magazine ads for wrinkle remedies...dude, there are no miracles, I know, but a girl can hope.
I love to write, and I consider this a new beginning for me. Life was once full of beginnings, but now I will admit being stuck in the middle is a daily ritual....always in the middle..which isn't a bad thing because the end would mean finality..it would mean this is it...this is my life. as good as it's going to get,.and that would depress me, but I truly believe staying home, taking care of my kids, is the middle part for me.
I was a late bloomer..in every way. I didn't drive until I was 30..which now, actually seems so unbelievable to me. I don't talk about it b/c it doesn't even remotely seem like me anymore, but I guess flipping your dad's BMW in a parking lot will do that to you.
My husband taught me to drive..I smile because he is the love of my life, but I am also saddened that I missed out due to 13 years of a non-driving life. That theme was very consistent in my younger years..missing out.
I find myself now on a daily basis..questioning...everything....did my 20 mth old who barely talks eat enough? Is my 4 1/2 yr old feeling secure/loved enough today? Is my hair too long? Should I cut it? Is this 138 lb body too heavy? Am I still pretty? Kind of feel like I am ALWAYS in the middle of a perpetual struggle with....myself! Why am I my worst critic?
It has to be because I am STILL in the middle of a war...with myself.....I am just hoping at some point I win the battle.
